Humor from on High

Friday, March 03, 2006

First Annual Tall Quiz!!

Props to Sebby on this one. It's his baby and he should recieve all the glory. And all the ridicule.

He's used to that.

Welcome to The Tall Quiz, or How to Tell if You Are Really a Tall Person. Please take a couple of minutes and think about your answers to the following questions, and then tally your score to find out how tall you really are.

The Quiz

  1. Who hits their head more on low-hanging objects, someone who is over 6'4" or someone who is under?

  1. The tall person
  2. The short person

  1. If you are exactly 6'10 3/8", how tall do you say that you are when asked?

  1. Six foot, ten and three eighths inches.
  2. 6'2"
  3. Bigger than a breadbox
  4. About 7-ish
  5. It depends on what gas station I am entering or exiting at the time

  1. After you tell someone how tall you are, the next question they ask is if you have ever played basketball. Your answer is:

  1. What is this "basketball" that you speak of?
  2. Yes (and then give them a detailed history)
  3. No, it got in the way of my career as a jockey
  4. I wanted a bigger challenge, so I took up miniature golfing instead

  1. Who is taller, Mugsy Bogues (5'3") or Spud Webb (5'7")?

  1. Spudd Webb, obviously
  2. Mugsy Bogues plays so much taller despite his smaller stature
  3. Who? or who?
  4. Does it matter? They are both chihuahuas

  1. When someone on the street that you have never seen before comes up to you and says: "Hey, you're really tall", your response is:

  1. And you're really smart
  2. What!? Holy shit, that must have just happened overnight!
  3. Well thank you. You're quite...medium-sized, I would say. Extra-medium even
  4. Ah shucks. Hey, if you ever want the first word on the weather, come talk to me

Ok, now that you have had time to think about your answers and write them down, it's time for the answers. After this, you will be able to tell everyone you know what your personal Tall Quotient is...

Question 1: despite the obvious theory that tall people will invariably find more things that are head height to them, and that they could possibly run into, the answer is the shorter person. Tall people learn very quickly that they are tall, and thus they are inevitably bound to find things to run their heads into. Let me rephrase that, tall people learn very quickly, or suffer from multiple concussions and are required to wear padded helmets everywhere they go. Tall people always have their "headar" on (thats 'head radar' for all the pormanteauly challenged people out there), because they don't like hitting their head on the multitude of low-hanging objects (on a totally different subject, has anyone else noticed that most cities trim the trees along sidewalks to a constant height of 6'2"? So, if you are taller, you're on your own). Shorter people don't learn this at the early age necessary for it to become second nature, and are thus more likely to smack into things that hang down that low. If you chose answer A, you get 0 points. If you picked answer B, give yourself 2 points.

Question 2: I'll let you in on a secret, this was a bit of a trick question. The only wrong answer is option A. A tall person never tells someone to the exact 1/8th of an inch how tall they are. More than likely, they don't even know. After you reach six feet tall when you are still in middle school, you start to think of height in relative terms. Like bigger than a breadbox (it's true, you are). Only when you are short do you strain for every little piece of the pie that you can reach, and the shorter you are the less pie you get. So if you answered A, give yourself -2. If you answered B, give yourself 5 points. If you picked E, give yourself 3 points because I like Ron White. If you chose C or D, you get 2 points.

Question 3: Sorry, but another trick question. Everyone who has ever been considered tall at some point in their life has heard this question: "So, have you ever played ball?" Or, if the person is old and trying to be hip: "Hey there sonny boy, do you ever hoop it up?" Honestly, this is the most ridiculous question to ask someone. Tall people don't walk up to women who are more than normally endowed (ie, big breasted) and ask "How's life at the strip club?" or "Man, I bet you get a lot of milk out of those puppies!" even though we may really want to ask those very questions. Just because someone is tall doesn't necessarily mean that they are in any way physically competent enough to play basketball. So, if you answered B, sorry but you
get another -2 points. If you answered A, give yourself 1 point for sidestepping the question, but a lack of creativity. If you answered C you get 3 points, and if you chose D you get 4 points (any time you can add "miniature" into a conversation about tall people, you get bonus points).

Question 4: Lo and behold! Yet another trick question. These are mostly tricks because it is easy to lie on the internet and say you are tall. This quiz could have consisted of one question (How tall are you?), but it's too easy to lie to boost your fragile height-based ego when you are short. Anywho, if you are female and chose answer C, give yourself 1 bonus point for having a good sense of humor. If you are a guy and chose answer C, you get another -2 points. Even short guys should know and revere these two guys for having beat the NBA system, and having pretty good careers despite the obvious fact. If you picked A, you get 1 point. Because technically it is true, 5'7" is taller than 5'3". If you picked B or D, you get 2 points (I hope you are keeping track).

Question 5: The trickiest of the tricky questions, because it requires that you have read 6'2" before now, specifically the beginnings of 6'2". Basically, since all tall people run into this situation multiple times that they are out in public, they get tired of it. Honestly, it is a statement, so there is no response required. But obviously the person that walks up to you wants to start a conversation, otherwise they wouldn't have said anything at all. So the taller the person, the more creative the responses are to this invasiveness (again, tall people don't walk up to fat people and yell out things like "350! No wait, 375!" It's just rude). If you answered B or D, give yourself 1 point for coming up with something (although not that creative. The "how's the weather up there" is just about as old and tired as the "ever played ball" question). If you picked A, you get 2 points for the sheer pluck of it. And if you answered C, you get 4 points for not only the most creative (extra-medium is genius), but the bonus points of being a 6'2" faithful.
Ok, tally up your score, and here are the results.

  • 0 or below to 5: you are obviously well under 6 feet tall. More than likely, you are so short that you would have looked up to Napoleon.

  • 6 to 10: your Tall Quotient is 6'1" to 6'5". You're tall, but not that tall.

  • 11 to 15: now we are getting somewhere. Your TQ is 6'6" to 6'10" (Hey, did you ever play any college ball?).

  • 16 to 17: your TQ is 6'11" and above (because the sky is the limit tall guy). Or, you have the option of saying that you are 6'2" and proud of it.
Hopefully this answered some questions about how tall you really are.

Editor's Note: I have a new one for when someone comes up to you and says, "Wow, you're really tall." My response (in perfect English with heavy midwest acdcent): "What? Oh! You mean 'alto'. Sorry, I only speak Spanish."

Editor's Note #2: This past weekend at a local Golf Show (you haven't lived until you've jacked a bucket full of range balls into the upper deck of a domed stadium) I had the following conversation with, yes, that's right....a certain Ms. Minnesota (didn't catch her first name).
Her: "Wow, you're really tall."
Me (thinking): ("Crap. She's hot. AND Ms. Minnesota. Should I try any of my usual smart ass lines? Will she even get them? She's hot.")
Me: "Thank you very much! I'll take that as a compliment."
Me: "You're very medium."
(long pause)
Her (with confused look): "Hunh?"
Her (same confused look, or worse): "What do you mean?"

You win some, you lose some.


At 9:47 AM, Blogger Frankie said...

Nice one.

People do yell out weights at really fat people, actually. It hasn't happened to me, but it does happen. But I do know from personal experience that people will make really rude comments to a women with larger breasts.

I think people don't realize they're being rude because being tall is often seen as a positive in our society, and being fat is a negative. So, calling attention to your positive attributes doesn't seem like a negative. However, as you and I both know, when you are past a certain range, this "good" attribute (your tallness, and my gigantoboobs) can be a hassle. It's like that time I saw Pooh nekkid and I was like, "Oh my God, your penis is HUGE" and he was like "Stop! You don't know what it's like to have to shop for 3 legged pants and pass out from lack of blood to the head because you see a pretty girl...." and then he passed out, obviously, because I'm ridiculously hot.

At 10:17 AM, Blogger SethG said...

I gave myself 4 extra points for catching your sperror in order to qualify for a TQ.


At 12:43 PM, Blogger Pooh said...

Per usual, I think you handled your encounter with hotness pretty well, Josue...

But seriously, telling Ms., well, anything that she looks "medium" is likely to send her to the gym for a 4 hour session on the tread-climber. If you're ok with that on your conscience, you should be. Carry on.

At 1:13 PM, Blogger Kaiser said...

It's funny because I did indeed have that exact thought right after the interlude ended and my father was laughing maniacally at me for "handling that (so) well". He thought it was funny that someone would just come up and say something like that to me, to which I responded "You should hang out with me more often. You'd see it all the time." Apparently, it doesn't happen that often when you're ACTUALLY 6'2", which he is -- and shrinking, I might add. Well, he's shrinking in one direction, at least. Maybe "re-apportioning" is a more accurate term.

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Pooh said...

I prefer to call it "Redistricting" or "gerrymandering"

At 4:20 PM, Blogger Sebby said...

You've been memed, by the by.

And check out the Sunday caption contest for your photo.

At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Freya said...

Yeah, you might not believe me but I am currently 11 years of age, female and 5ft Four. My height prediction for me, apparently is 5ft eight but I would happily be 6" 4. I get some funny looks and a lack of boyfriends, though

At 12:54 PM, Anonymous george said...

aparently it said im 7ft 5 thats 1 intch what i acerly am! and im 17!


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