Humor from on High

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

SotU Blogging

Does comedy get any better than the State of the Union address? In a word....yes. It's not exactly Def Comedy Jam, but it has its moments. I've heard. And seeing as how American Idol V: Las Vegas Auditions was more than a little disappointing tonight, I'm forced to give you a blow by blow account of the nation's oddest political spectacle. Okay, second to the sheer size of Ted Kennedy's head. I mean, the camera is supposed to add 30 pounds, but usually it's spread out a bit. Remember that show Herman's Head? I think there might ACTUALLY be like six little people up there. And four of them are drunk.

Without further ado, my running diary:

8:06 - Whoooooaaaaaaaaa Nelly! Here we are live from the chambers of the U.S. Capitol! Hair is neatly combed! Everyone has practiced their clapping! People are wearing robes! Oh wait, that's the Supreme Court.

8:07 - The president's punctuality is hailed by Talking Head #2. Is this necessarily a good thing? I mean, what if some really important shit was going down, like Osama bin Laden was meeting Kim Jong Il at a Dunkin' Donuts and Prez had to be out in the White House lobby for punch with Girl Scouts or something at the same time? Would he skip the crisis? I mean, what if he was listening to children's books with elementary kids while two enormous tower-like structures in one of our nation's most important cities were burning and collapsing to the ground? Oh wait.

(sorry, cheap shot)

8:08 - A commentator mentions that President Bush likes giving speeches because, "there aren't any pesky reporters asking questions." I'm sure he meant it in a good way.

8:09 - It's mentioned that a California Dem invited Cindy Sheehan to the speech tonight. You'll remember Ms. Sheehan from her somewhat popular stake-out of the Bush family ranch in Crawford, TX some time back, to demand a conversation with the president about why her son had to die in Iraq. I'm sure that would have gone well. Well apparently, she was arrested tonight. Can't wait to read about that tomorrow. But it begs the question, you can really bring guests to the State of the Union address? Does everyone get to do this? It might actually be worth running for Congress if I could invite anyone I wanted. My mind is now whirling with ideas about who would be the funniest possible person to bring with me. I welcome suggestions. Early leaders in my mind are Simon Cowle ("Worst speech I've heard tonight. Truly terrible."), Carrot Top (tell me I wouldn't get some camera time with him next to me), and Jessica Simpson (see Carrot Top rationale)(oh, and her rack).

8:10 - The vice president is alive! Either that or that is one HELL of a stunt double. I mean, we're talking Spaceballs good.

8:12 - The president starts with a Coretta Scott King reference. The late MLK's wife, for the uninitiated. Good move. Not clapping for this one would be kind of like humping a gorilla at a Jane Goodall lifetime achievement award ceremony.

8:13 - Prez uses the word "rostrum" without giggling, and I'm officially impressed. If I was in attendance, I would have definitely chuckled. Either that or stood up and led the first round of applause for him actually getting through it without a snort, guffaw, or chortle. And I'm officially out of synonyms for laughing.

8:14 - POTUS declares that "the state of our union is strong". Has he ever said anything else? I distinctly remember hearing this line at least 85 other times. Just once I'd like him to say that "the state of the union is...well...meh." Or mix it up and say something like, "The state of the union is bitchin'. And its aura is totally metallic azure. Fortunately it's the year of the dragon too, and I kind of think of the U.S. as a dragon. I mean, like a big scary dragon...not like that Falcor pussy from Neverending Story."

8:17 - Dubya claimes that half the word lives in democratic nations. Of course, one of those is now led by Hamas. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

8:18 - George uses the phrase "weapons of mass murder". Now, was this term chosen because they didn't want to say "weapons of mass destruction" again, or are they actually different? I mean, if some country (Kerblackistan?) had some kind of Intercontinental Ballistic Desert Seeking Missle that rocked all kinds of ass, would we be against it? I mean, go ahead and blow up some some cacti if you want to. It's like an adult version of pulling the wings off of flies, and i'm all for it. Personally, I feel like Kim Jong Il is just a grown-up version of that kid you knew in school with a cache of M80s, and if we just let him bomb something and watch it blow up, he'll get it out of his system. If anyone from the State Department is reading this, please feel free to contact me about any available diplomatic positions at the email address at the right.

8:19 - The "freedom" bomb is dropped again, and the Supreme Court doesn't stand up after 73rd mention of it. The lesson, clearly, is that they are against freedom.

8:23 - On the issue of bringing our troops back, Prez says "The road to victory is the road to home." Isn't the "road of 'Run Away!' Monty-Python-style" also the road home?

8:24 - Dubya successfully uses the word "strategic". I offer "strategeric" as an alternative.

8:26 - The Supreme Court is against our troops.

8:29 - Is Derek Jeter sitting with Joe Lieberman? And whatever happened to Joe Lieberman? I can't believe that whole Joe-mentum routine didn't work out for him during the last Democratic primary. I mean, he's so hip. He's sitting with Derek Jeter for christ's sake! And what has happened to Derek Jeter's career? He's sitting with Joe Lieberman for christ's sake!

8:33 - Offer of thanks to the country's policeman and fireman. First he did the Coretta Scott King thing, and then later did the same with the military. What next? Kitties? Teddy bears? Mrs. Field's cookies? Of course we're all supporting these people!

8:36-8:41 - Economics section = nap time. Wake me up when we get to the good stuff. I'm a narcoleptic when it comes to terms like "growth", "budget", and "crippling deficit".

8:42 - The president calls on congress to pass the Line Item Veto. Now, I'm no legislative expert, but isn't that where Dubya can just cross out words that he doesn't understand or doesn't like in a bill and then mix up all the words in the order that he wants them like one of those newspaper word games? Because that would be sweet. I support it just for the potential comedy. However, I would pass it with the stipulation that he himself has to do it. No help from Karl Rove. And no random words on the end that he couldn't figure out where to stick in the new bill. Every sentence must be complete and make sense. Jurisprudence law the back tax a.

8:43 - "Congress did not act on my proposal to reform social security." Is there anything better than sarcastic applause from the Democrats? Surely not.

8:45 - The Supreme Court is against the American worker.

8:48 - "America is addicted to oil." Does this mean Laura Bush is about to mount a "Just Say No" campaign? Are we going to to start opening clinics? Are we starting a War On Oil campaign? Oh wait.

8:51 - Props out to Math & Science! What what y'all! Can I get a hell yeah for nanotechnology!? Is this at all ironic from a man who may or may not be able to add and subtract? Well, I'm selling him short...he can probably convert grams and kilos and multiply by 12 ounces too.

8:56 - The Supreme Court is against its own new members John Roberts and Sam Alito!

8:57 - Dubya honors adorable babies everywhere....I mean, the retirement of Sandra Day O'Connor. When imagining what Sandra was like on the Supreme Court, did anyone else picture Katherine Hepburn in On Golden Pond? Not that I've ever seen that. Sometimes I would go with the old lady from the Simpsons too. What? Why is everyone looking at me like that? No one else imagines what the proceedings of the Supreme Court are like? I'm almost certain that Aaron Sorkin is working on a pilot of a show which is set behind the scenes there. You better get in on the ground floor.

9:02 - Punctuality my ass. It's two minutes past nine and he's not done yet. But the end of these speeches are always great. They feel like the end of a fireworks display where you know the end is in sight, because the fireworks start coming faster and faster. Only in this speech, the part of fireworks is being played by words like "optimistic", "victory", "freedom", and "God".

"That's all folks! Thank you, thank you! Thanks for your time. I really have to run and let Karl Rove out of his casket...it's almost dusk. In conclusion, I'd like to just say...Democrats, suck it. No seriously, we should try and acutally work together this year."

And I'm spent. (tossing camera over shoulder)


At 8:45 AM, Blogger Hops said...

My favorite part (and by "favorite" I mean gut-wrenching, move to Canada disgusting) was the overall, smarmy tone to the preceedings this year. We know all about the Dubya smirk, thanks to those wonderful debates where John Kerry proved he's not quite dumb enough to lead this country, but I had no idea it was so infectious. In addition to Dubya breaking out the smirk numerous times, we had Hillary offering her own well-timed version, as well as numerous 'pubs and dems offering 'knowing' sneers. Maybe I'm a bit cynical. (Starting over...) I know I'm cynical, but last night just seemed the perfect evidence toward proving that no one in Washington is interested in actual change anyway. The real bipartisanship seems to me to be an unspoken agreement to piss off the other person's constituents just enough to keep everyone angry and gridlocked. You scratch my eyes out, I'll scratch yours. Fuckers.

At 8:46 AM, Blogger Frankie said...

I am CRYING. CRYING. Best post ever, Kaiser.

At 11:05 AM, Blogger Pooh said...

Why do you hate the Supreme Court hating America?


Post a Comment

<< Home