Humor from on High

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Sigh Phi Recommendations

For some reason, just the other day it suddenly sprang into my head that I had not thought about The Darth Side in quite some time, and had never mentioned it on this blog. To shame. For those unfamiliar, The Darth Side (original blog here -or- in chronological order via html or pdf) is a fictional blog written from the perspective of Darth Vader during the the original three Star Wars movies. It is freaking fantastic, and highly recommended, even if you are not normally a sci fi or fantasy nut -- but especially if you are -- I mean, not that I am, but that's what I hear from..you know...those people. It sent me into a tailspin for weeks, trying to come up with my own angle on this -- blogs written by fictional characters. Unfortunately, the baseball season interrupted me and tailspinned my tailspin, and my promising blog novel about a bleu cheese-stuffed olive stuck in a pickle jar never really developed. Such is my life.

A sample from The Darth Side:

Vader’s Pastorale

Dull day. Arrived at Endor. Made Moff Jerjerrod cry.

My quarters aboard the new Death Star are quite satisfactory.
The smooth and precise action of the robotics in the hyperbaric
chamber are beyond reproach: I had barely sat down before it had
neatly divested me of my masque and slaved my life-support
systems into the host recharger. Also, I have a really spectacular
view -- three large triangular ports that look out upon the green and
white face of the Sanctuary Moon, the bright sun cantering
shadows across the verdant mountains and pillarous cloudscapes
while the silver crescent of Endor itself marches in stately orbit

There is something exhilarating about so much life. It is at
once inspiring and daunting, and a part of me quails at its chaotic
splendor and wishes for the homeliness of a wasted world like

But where there is life there is the Force. Life nourishes it,
causes it to grow. It is in the crannies of life’s microscopic
machinery that the computer of the universe reaches its greatest
calculatory density: the probable fates multiply a millionfold, and
reality itself ripples in anticipation. A thousand times beneath the
perception of low men, the fabric of space quivers at the touch of
even a microbe.

When I close my eyes I can see the song this world describes
in the webs of the Force, uncountable infinitesimal tendrils
coalescing into a great hollow orb that rides beneath this station
pinwheeling through space about the white light and black chute of
the galactic fulcrum.

To wit, to wank: I enjoy the view.

Tomorrow I will oversee the testing of this Death Star’s new

weapons systems. Since things have fallen so woefully behind
schedule I anticipate crushing not a few tracheas. Shape up or
sputter to the floor unconscious -- that’s my motto.

This is a really good passage in my mind, and indicative of what the rest of the "lark" (as the author calls it) contains. He is very descriptive, especially when it concerns matters of the Force (Holy Force!) and how Vader experiences it, and then you get great lines like the last one. Another favorite: "How many tracheas does a guy have to crush with his mind to get some service around here?" I could tell immediately when I read this guy that he was uber-talented.

Anyway, if you read it (and you should) and it strikes your fancy, I also highly recommend another sci fi blog/short story/blog novel written by the same author (MFDH = Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming). He describes himself thusly: My name is Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming, and I am a peachy-tan coloured human being with brown hairs, blue eyes and a wide, frowning scar above my right knee. I am about 1.8 metres tall, and I weigh around 80 kilograms (or 801 Newtons) at 1G. I am not missing any significant parts of my body (I still live with my appendix and tonsils, for instance). I tend to speak English. I have been known to speak French. Also, I have been known in the Biblical sense. I have one wife and one of each flavour of children.) The other story is called Simon of Space, and it sent me into a similarly unproductive several weeks trying to catch up in the story and then following it to fruition. I believe it is now available in paperback form, and you can get your very own t-shirt, coffee cup, baby seal, or paperweight with the Simon of Space logo on it too. Enjoy!


At 5:33 AM, Blogger Vector said...

Thanks Kaiser. The Vader blog was fun, but for two hours, not two days.

At 8:13 PM, Blogger Kaiser said...

I can only be funny in spits and furts, whatever those are. Seriously though, in fits and starts. I'm a lot like punctuated equilibrium that way -- like my boy Stephen Jay Gould would say.


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