Humor from on High

Monday, November 20, 2006

Wreckomendation: O.J.

I've been wanting to do something on O.J.'s new book since I heard about it, but I'm clearly not as creative as Ben Greeman from McSweeney's. So since he has beaten me to the punch, check out "Fragments From If I Did It! The Musical" below:

- - - -

(JUDITH REGAN is in bed. She wakes up.)


Last night I had the strangest dream.
An angel came to me. It seemed
As though he tumbled down from heaven high.
He had the gentlest tone. His voice, it did beguile.

He wanted me to make a book
That turned back time to take a look
At the O.J. Simpson murder trial.
Then he flew back up into the endless vault of sky.

Part of me would like to go right back to bed.
Instead I think I'll do just what the fallen angel said.

(While she is singing, O.J. SIMPSON appears at her bedside. He walks slowly as a result of his injured knees, but when he hears his name mentioned he brightens.)


Oh, how I wish that you would help me.
I need another chance to state my case.
I have been suffering for years now.
Golfing and nightclubbing in disgrace.

(JUDITH REGAN hops out of bed. She is fully dressed in a business suit. She takes O.J. by the arm and leads him to a waiting limousine. In the car, she begins to explain her plan.)


I'll rent us a studio.
We'll talk about that night.
America will see you
In a wonderful new light.

Obviously, we'll also
Use the program to promote
The sale of the tell-all
Companion book you wrote

Remembering the dead
While honoring the living.
It's quite a brilliant stroke.
I'm shooting for Thanksgiving.

(The limousine pulls up at a television studio. O.J. limps out of the car. JUDITH REGAN hops out after him. The two of them enter and take their seats.)


I know that it is hard for you
To relive your darkest day.
Start when you are ready.
Say what you want to say.


Well, let's see.
I've forgotten a lot.
We were happily married and then we were not.
There were fights. There were drugs.
There were rumors galore.
Some of the rumors were hard to ignore.

I am thinking in particular of one I heard one night,
That she was in a threesome. I felt that wasn't right.

(Curtain parts. Dry-ice smoke is released. The FLASHBACK PLAYERS—puppet versions of O.J., NICOLE, and RON GOLDMAN—appear. O.J. is driving in his car toward NICOLE's house.)


I am mad.
I am mad.
Holy God am I mad.
What I think
I may do
Is horrifically bad.

In my hand,
In my hand
Is a dangerous knife.
I am paying
A visit
To my wanton ex-wife.

This is it.
This is it.
Bundy Drive, I presume.
The children
Are sleeping
Upstairs in their rooms.

What is that
That I hear?
There's a voice in my ear.
Be quiet.
Be quiet.
A waiter draws near.

(RON GOLDMAN approaches the house, holding NICOLE's glasses. He rings the bell. NICOLE answers.)


I am just a simple, kindly waiter.
I smile and bring exactly what you want.
That is why I said that I might drop by later
With the glasses that you left behind at the restaurant.


Thank you, Ron, oh, thank you, Ron.
This is what we agreed upon.
Now would you like to come in for a drink?
I am wearing a black dress.
It's kind of short, I guess.
But we're all adults here, don't you think?

(O.J. leaps from behind a bush, waving around his knife.)


Stand back.
Stand back.
It's time for me
To attack.

Now I'll chop off your head
Until you're good and dead.
The ground will be stained red
At the place where you bled.

(O.J. kills NICOLE and RON GOLDMAN.)


Whatever I just did, I didn't do it.
And if I did, I didn't. That's denial.
Does it bother me?
Sure, it does, a little.
But I'll see you at the trial—
Or maybe I should say at the acquittal.

(Dry-ice smoke fills the frame again. The FLASHBACK CHORUS appears, consisting of puppet versions of Judge Lance Ito, Marcia Clark, Christopher Darden, Johnnie Cochran, Paula Barbieri, Kato Kaelin, Marcus Allen, Phil Spector, and Robert Blake.)


Murder, mayhem, spousal abuse:
The Juice is loose! The Juice is loose!

Trial, acquittal, civil award:
He who lives by the sword does not die by the sword.

Murder, mayhem, spousal abuse:
The Juice is loose! The Juice is loose!

Book deal, magazines, TV show:
From open wounds great profits flow.

(The FLASHBACK PLAYERS disappear with a puff of smoke, showing O.J. and JUDITH REGAN back in the TV studio.)


That puppet show was wonderful
And really quite affecting.
O.J., is that the start of tears
That I'm detecting?

(O.J. reaches for a tissue.)


I can't go on like this.
My kids can't see me this way.
The search for the real killers
Begins in earnest today.
I swear on the life
Of my lovely ex-wife.
It begins in earnest today.

(The TV interview ends. JUDITH REGAN goes home and goes to sleep. She sleeps soundly, surprisingly. In the morning, she awakes to birdsong.)


Oh, what a beautiful day.
I've never had a feeling quite like this.
The sun coming up in the east
Feels like the sweetest kiss.
I've published them all, from Canseco to Stern.
Top cop Bernie Kerik was my client and lover.
But this book, I promise, it will sell and sell.
It'll go straight to No. 1 in hell!
I can already smell that sulfurous smell.
I just have to remember to fireproof the cover.

(The birds outside JUDITH REGAN's window sing the theme song to The Naked Gun.)


Post a Comment

<< Home