Humor from on High

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Your Back Mountain is So Broke Yo

I don't know what the subject of my post means either. However, I did just watch a copy of Brokeback Mountain that I may or may not have obtained by legal means (I'm safe saying that, right Pooh?). My initial impression....if I'm ever going to have a secret homosexual cowboy dress-up relationship/affair, I'm DEFINITELY doing it in the Bitterroot Mountains in Montana. They're more breathtaking than...well...than Heath Ledger must be to a gay man...I guess. He's personally never done it for me, but then again I tend to prefer, as Fergie would say, "humps". Heh heh....humps.

The best part of their secret affair is that they got to camp and go fly fishing. That has GOT to be a gay cowboy's dream. And speaking of fly fishing, I'm actively editing myself from making the obvious gay joke. I encourage you to do the same. Fly. One word....two meanings.........it's a homonym. Heh heh...homonym.

I really did like the movie. However, I'm having a hard time believing that Heath Ledger is going to win Best Actor for the portrayal of a borderline mute cowboy. I have not seen Phillip Seymour Hoffman's protrayal of Truman Capote yet, but I'm going to go ahead and give it to him anyway. Anyone who could even speak in that Capote voice for 10 consecutive minutes deserves some hardware in my book. I mean, when Heath Bar (which is what I would call him if I was having a mountainous homosexual affair with him) DOES talk he basically mumbles the entire time. The only rational argument for him winning the statue is that he had to kiss Jake Gylenhaal multiple times. Now THAT, my friends, is swallowing your pride. Heh heh...swallowing.

I actually sort of grew up in Montana as a youth. Well really it was more of a second home to me, as my parents were both from there, and all my relatives basically still live there. And I can confirm that the redneck culture is, even to this day, still firmly entrenched there. I'll give you an example, even. One time I was riding a rental car shuttle in Phoenix, AZ with my girlfriend at the time, and two friends of ours who worked closely with Howard Dean during the last Democratic primaries. They were serious Deaniacs, but that's another story. Anywho, they had on Dean buttons, and this guy and his wife were sitting in the back of the shuttle and noticed the buttons. He asks if they are Dean supporters, they reply yes, and he goes on to tell us that he is running for governor in Montana on the Democratic ticket and likes a lot of the things that Dean has to say. The Montana bit perked up my ears right away, obviously, and we started asking him questions about his campaign. At one point, my Deaniac friend MG asks this guy, "So what kind of issues do you run on in Montana as a democrat?" Remember, this is we-love-our-guns-and-stay-the-bleep-off-our-land Montana, where the state motto is "We'll Form a Militia If We Want To God Damn It!" Tax paying, optional. This guy's reply, "Well, none actually." "If you want to win as a Democrat in Montana, you basically try to avoid talking about any issues." Right. Don't you love potlitics?

And now for something completely different, I give you....Little Michael Jackson!

Friday, February 17, 2006


It's Friday, I'm feeling punchy, so it's time for a horrific pun or two, courtesy of future Step-Mama Pooh:
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

Dick Hunt

Can't wait to see what kind of google search results point to this blog after the title of this post is made official.


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Too Much Time On Your Hands

You know that guy that I mentioned the other day? You know, the mythical person who created that Perfect Strangers cat video? Well, I think I found him.

An excerpt:
"'Owie!' yelped the kitten. It also said a lot more curses that cannot be written, as the water monster landed on him. The monster started to lose his balance."

I sincerely hope no kittens were harmed during the making of this...um....photoshop....fantasy...picture....thingy.

Those of you who know me, yes, I do realize the irony of someone making fun of something like this who once thought it was a brilliant idea to remake Monty Python and the Holy Grail, only casting members of his high school class in the various roles.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Quayle, I Mean Quail Hunting

From today's Star Tribune:

"Lawyer shot by Cheney while hunting hospitalized, stable"

Fortunately, our tape recorders were carefully hidden in the Rangers bobblehead that sits atop President Bush's desk the day before, and caught this conversation:

Cheney: "Yeah, we're going quail hunting tomorrow! I can't wait. That Wittington guy is coming with us, actually."

Bush: "Oh really!? Hmm...well maybe this would be a good opportunity to give him a shot in the arm about the medical liability lobby."

Cheney: (confused look)

It's okay to joke because he's going to be fine. Got a better joke? God I hope so, because that was pretty bad. Use the comments section, please.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Getting Midieval on the Ass of a Perfect Stranger

Does anyone else ever have the experience where you watch, read, or hear something and you can't really decide if it is more humorous than disturbing? Before I go further, I have to kindly insist that you watch the following, the perfect example of such an imbroglio.

Click here.

Now, the first time I watched this, I proclaimed it "The Funniest Thing on Mother Earth (Gaia, to her friends)". Sure, I was aware that it is quite admittedly odd. And a bit random. Hell, I'd even call it idiosyncratic. All right, let's be honest...whoever made this is likely f&%$ed in the head five ways from Sunday. But still, I have to admit that I was openly giggling the first time I saw it, and making health care students all around me increasingly nervous. You haven't lived until you've seen a shaggy 6'8" guy giggling uncontrollably. It's breathtaking, I assure you.

But what does it mean that I find this, at the very least, VERY amusing? To more quantitatively put this (I'm a scientist and general geek, after all), I would have given it 8 AFUs the first time I saw it. AFUs, of course, are 'arbitrary funny units', a term I have just created to try and manifest the way the left side of my brain works. I should give credit to my college basketball coach for the creation of the 'arbitrary _____ units' device, at this point, as I'm sure it will arise again here at SixFootTwoInches. At one point during my playing career, he explained to us that on every single possession, we have 10 'arbitrary energy units', and then proceeded to explicate how many of those mystical units we should expend in each task (ie. 3 to get back on defense, 1 to stay in your defensive triangle, and 6 to scope out the blonde with the tube top in the third row of the student section).

Now, having seen this thing several times now, I am giving it a final AFU grade of 6.5. If you don't like it, suck it. However, I have definitely noticed that the more random and non-sensical something is, it is generally all the more amusing to me. And this isn't the case for everyone. I'm sure a good portion of the people wasting precious working hours watching such a thing will be completely unimpressed and only think it is Just Weird. More power to you. You probably get a lot more done during the day. Huzzah to you! But I'm willing to bet that a lot of my friends will think it's pretty good. And I think those odds increase if you fit in any of the following categories:

1. Grew up during the 80's and/or watched Perfect Strangers (when that song came on the first time, I just lost it -- I mean, when was the last time you heard that? There's something nostalgiac that leads to the increased perceived hilarity of things)

2. Have edited video before (and can therefore appreciate the mind-numbing time and effort someone put in to creating this thing -- hope it was worth it, buddy)

3. Cat lover.

What it all comes down to should be this....anytime Balki Bartakomous is involved in something, it is flat out funny. Just look at the Surreal Life.

All right, you still don't think it's THAT funny? Fair enough. But a photo-journal through a Renaissance Festival, with amusingly mean-spirited shots taken at the participants who may be the very people who created the cat video....that's freaking priceless.

(props to Michelle Collins for the cat video heads-up)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Kaiser, Sebby, we need to make a weekend like this one happen.

Edit: kinda stepping on my own line by getting the link wrong...fixed.

Monday, February 06, 2006

I See Your Chuck Norris...

And I raise you Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer"

Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, "that's no glitch."

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
But most importantly
he only time Jack Bauer was seen eating, was when he was eating Chuck Norris' leg after catching a roundhouse kick. Jack promptly spit it out. This is the worst pussy I've ever eaten.

Sunday, February 05, 2006


I hooked up Mr. T. earlier, so I suppose I should give Chuck Norris his due where due is credit.


Thursday, February 02, 2006

It's That Good Will, Part Deux.

Since we here like movies, and we here like smacktalk, let's try Both at once. That's right, smack talk about movies.


Links for the month of January are up. I highly recommend the episode of "Robot Chicken", Seth Green's new show. Completely random and hilarious. I believe it's on Cartoon Network sometime, but I'm too blazy (busy/lazy) to look it up. More made up words coming soon.

P.S. I was up in northern WI again last weekend at the aforementioned cabin. Unfortunately, I can't really remember anything that happened. It was that good, Will. But I did have one good line:

Drunken Cabin Dweller #1, while overlooking the outside of cabin, overlooking lake: "Hey, I think the front porch is settling."

Me: "You mean you think it could do better?"