Humor from on High

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Would You Want This Guy as a Groomsman?

Me neither, but we know someone who does...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

What the bleep is the matter with Kansas?

Sorry for the barrage of link-related posts lately, but this was too good to pass up, the Purification has been very difficult to wrap my 5-1/4" mind around, and basically I've never had anything original to say in my life anyway. Hey, there's something to be said for "original context" though, right? Right?

Check it.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


This is a fantastic resource. Especially after this busy holiday season where no doubt, sinning is as prevalent as empty Godiva chocolate boxes at Brittney Spear's place. Here's my conversation with God today:

Me: Hi god. It's me Margaret.
God: Hello there. What is your name? Hi there Margaret.
Me: I screwed my neighbor.
God: That's good information: Margaret said screwed his or her neighbor.
Me: What?
God: Are you surprised?
Me: By what?
God: It's obvious.
Me: True.
God: You and I are on the same wavelength, Margaret.
Me: Well, you ARE god.
God: Interesting. Yup. That's me alright.
Me: So, how's it hanging?
God: Tell me more. I am fine, thank you.
Me: But which direction, I mean?
God: The blue one, I think.
Me: North?
God: Try saying that with more or less context.
Me: Well, if you're looking at a map, does it hang upwards?
God: How about that. Am I? Yes I can see it well.
Me: I think you need to see a therapist.
God: Me? Is that what you do, or what you think I should do?
Me: Yes.
God: Far out.
Me: Nice talking to you.
God: The pleasure was all mine.
Me: Later.
God: Bye!

I feel this could be a regular feature.


Pooh has thrown down the guantlet, and since I "cleverly" ignored his last guantlet-down-throwing, I suppose I should compromise by accepting the challenge this time around. Without further ado, the Meme of Four:

Four Jobs I've Had In My Life: Biomedical Engineer/Scientist, Teaching Assistant, Bartender, Semi-pro Basketball Player (mind you, not Play-ah)

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over: Varsity Blues, Caddyshack, Contact, Good Will Hunting

Four Places I've Lived: Dinkytown; Tonka; Northfield, MN; Iowa City, IA

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch: Scrubs, Lost, Daily Show, Family Guy

Four Places I've Been On Vacation: Hilton Head; Italy; Hawaii; Golf Course, USA

Four Websites I Visit Daily: Slashdot, McSweeney's, CollegeHumor, In the Pipeline

Four of My Favorite Foods: Prime Rib, Hollandaise, Mulligatawny, Yosemite Sandwiches

Four Places I'd Rather Be: Costa Rica, Cinqueterra, Douro, Arbor Brew Company

Four Albums I Can't Live Without: Clapton Unplugged, Mermaid Avenue (Billy Bragg and Wilco cover Guthrie), Oh Inverted World (Shins), Folsom Prison (Cash)

Hops, I nominate you next, if you're up to the task...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


OMG, this is so funny that it makes me brazenly use internet acronyms that I hate. Plus, I peed my pants. An SNL "digital skit" called Lazy Sunday. Props to the newest member of the Blogroll, Michelle at "You Can't Make it Up" for turning me on. To this.

Speaking of Blogroll, I wonder if the local bakery has any..

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Eavesdropping (sp?)

Overheard in the hallways of a large research university during finals week...

"You know, I just wasn't that suprised about getting a C. I always settle for mediocracy."


Monday, December 19, 2005

Mr. T

Come on now. You know you have a special place in your heart for Mr. T. Here are the Top Thirty Mr. T Facts....where the term 'facts' is used loosely.

My personal favorites:

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the fuck down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.

When Mr. T was circumsized his foreskin was not disposed of. Instead it was raised as a normal child, and it grew to love the game of basketball. Today we know Mr. T's foreskin as Shaquille O'Neal.

I love the internet.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Oh Yeah?

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Long Dong Silver

So there...

Porn Name

Looks just like me.

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Xavier Dicks

Wait a minute....Xavier sounds like....hee hee heeeee....

Thursday, December 15, 2005

How to Talk Trash

So here in the 'burg, there is a small, yet surprisingly crappyvirile Ultimate community. A now yearly tradition is for one of the younguns who's been playing since he was a wee munchkin to go off to college, and then return thinking of themselves as The Shit. This year is no different, except the little fuck-nut tyke went off to ply his trade at that bastion of greatness, The Harvard of the Midwesttm. Young laddie has returned for ChristmasholidayFestivus break with big ambitions and bigger talk:
Sunday the 18th of december 12noon. . . be there....for the first annual.... barely legal vs. Ole and in the way....some of you that need to warm up should arrive at 11:30 because...we dont need to...

anticipating our victory,

[Trashtalking Littleshit]
Note three things: His grammar skills do not reflect well on The Harvard of the Midwesttm; he is mighty confident; and he is terrible at smack talk. In response (not me):
Waking up early this morning, I stumbled out of bed and dragged myself to the sink. Splashing cold water on my face, I stared at my reflection and shuddered slightly. Was my hairline receeding, was my slowly aging 27 year old body starting to atrophy and grow cellulose around the edges. A brief moment of insecurity overcame me as I wondered if these little kids WERE perhaps the next thing, if perhaps they COULD win this game.... and then Mrs. [Littleshit] called to me from the bedroom, and said, "darling, bring that 6 foot 4, 185 pound frame of pure ultimate frisbee skill back here." Pulling myself away from the mirror I said, "[Littleshit's Mom], I'd love to, but I gotta go, its game time baby."
Ok, it's a mama joke. But a good mma joke. But the veterans weren't done (not me either):
It wasn't that long ago.....

I remember cradling little sweet [Littleshit] in my arms as he burbed up his food on my shoulder - now he just throws up swill. And although he sometimes acts like it, he wasn't born in a manger - he was born wishing he could play with the big kids.

Oh I remember.....
Now that's how you do it. Chrissy, if you are reading this, Down, down, down, red team goin down...

Purification Wrap-Up (cont.)

So, one of the aforementioned "things that your significant other is probably just better off not hearing about" for me was one of those brilliant internet marketing campaigns...."Free Shit! Click here and do some idiotically easy things! We're so not even kidding!" For me, the object of desire was a free iPod, with all the bells and whistles. Now, me being the scientific and anal type, in addition to spending WAY too much time on the internet, had heard about these types of offers and did the requisite research to discover that yes, this deal does seem to be legit, according to numerous sources. There are probably dozens of similar offers out there, but all signs pointed to this one being For Real (apologies to Hunter S. Thompson for the semi-plagiarized overuse of capitalization).

The way these things typically work is that you have to sign up for a free trial of this, or give your credit card info and sign up for a month for that (then you can cancel), etc...I did the math, and figured out that I could do all six required offers for around $75 total if I diligently made sure that I cancelled everything on the proper dates. Plus, I got a free tooth whitening kit and some video professor CDs to learn how to use Excel!!!! P.S. I already know how to use Excel. Drat.

But one of the offers was for a certain online dating site, which shall remain nameless. Just sign up for a month, fill out a profile, cancel after your trial period, and you won't be charged. This seemed like a no-brainer to choose this offer because it was free and relatively easy to complete. I have to say in retrospect that somewhere deep in my totally crappy brain, a tiny tiny alarm was going off....should you really be doing this? But a much bigger part of my TCBrain was saying, "FREE iPOD!! FREE iPOD!! AACCHHHGGGHGH!!! YOU LOVE iPODS" Stupid brain.

I felt a bit like Homer Simpson. "All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."

And so, I filled out the profile....

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Purification Wrap-Up

My favorite unemployed professional basketball player has a couple new articles up at ESPN.com since the last time I mentioned him, including this one from yesterday. The topic is very interesting...at least to me it is...and considering that it is coming from someone whose peers have claimed their $7 million dollar contract isn't enough to feed their family or that they should be provided with a stipend by the NBA to fulfill the NBA Dress Code of "slacks and a collared shirt", it is particularly thoughtful. The topic is race, or rather, how political correctness in this country precludes open discussions about topics (such as race) that are openly discussed in Europe or elsewhere in the world. John Stuart Mills must be rolling over in his grave somewhere. At least if he read this overblown bit regarding seemingly innocuous comments by Air Force Academy Coach Fisher DeBerry.

It got me thinking, however, about other times in life when you feel like you can't say exactly what you feel or what you're thinking. I'm speaking of course, about the following encounter, somewhat ubiquitous in male-female relationships:

"Honey, do I look fat in these jeans?"

"......................um." (staring straight ahead and trying to become invisible)

As far as I see it, there are several possible responses to this question, ".....um" not being one of them.

1. You're married to Angie Harmon (Implicit in this is that you're not Jason Sehorn, because obviously you would have killed yourself by now for being a tremendous douchepacker). So, it's Angie Harmon, so OF COURSE she looks good in those jeans. In which case the appropriate response is: "You're Angie Harmon. OF COURSE you look good in those jeans. I demand sex immediately." Excuse me, I have to go watch Law & Order Season 1 on DVD...

2. She looks anything other than absolutely fabulous in jeans. In this case, there are a million possibilities, but I believe there is only one correct one. "You look great, babe." You can, of course, insert your own cutesy term for your significant other in place of babe...hon, honey, dude, woman, muffin, sweety, vulva. In other words, you lie.

Now, obviously there are degrees of lying, and in the grad scheme of things, this kind of lie is like a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10 (where 1 is a little white lie and 10 is Fox News). But this is the kind of issue that eventually led to the end of my last relationship, and the subsequent beginning of the Purification, which I hope to wrap up here in this series of posts.

I was in a great relationship where we could talk about all kinds of things that are normally taboo. I thought it was really unique. We wanted to have a "totally open and honest" relationship, where we could talk through anything, and in fact always did. I (and she felt the same way) was always very proud of the way that we could talk through difficult periods, which are plentiful when you go more than two years living several thousand miles apart. But I still always felt, along the lines of the above example, that there are times in a relationship when you are forced to lie....that there are things that your significant other is probably just better off not hearing about.

Dangerous thinking...and my fib-arometer was obviously way off....

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Dilbert Blog

I just discovered that Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, has an excellent blog. I will be instantaneously putting it in the Recommended Links, which are right over there --------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Links of the Month

LOTM for November are up! Check it out.


P.S. And if you've never read the Saga of Bloodninja before, you should check it out in the "Best Of" section. "It doesn't get any more serious than a rhinocerous about to charge your ass."

Friday, December 02, 2005

Losing at the Building Game

Who did not play "The Building Game" in undergrad? (For those who didn't, it's basically a 'can you top this' of buildings on campus where one has had relations). At a certain point, there's an element of risk vs. reward involved. This could happen. Personally, I'd LOVE to find the blog post from, ahem, the other side of that door.

(Via: Althouse)