SotU Blogging

Does comedy get any better than the State of the Union address? In a word....yes. It's not exactly Def Comedy Jam, but it has its moments. I've heard. And seeing as how American Idol V: Las Vegas Auditions was more than a little disappointing tonight, I'm forced to give you a blow by blow account of the nation's oddest political spectacle. Okay, second to the sheer size of Ted Kennedy's head. I mean, the camera is supposed to add 30 pounds, but usually it's spread out a bit. Remember that show Herman's Head? I think there might ACTUALLY be like six little people up there. And four of them are drunk.

Without further ado, my running diary:

8:06 - Whoooooaaaaaaaaa Nelly! Here we are live from the chambers of the U.S. Capitol! Hair is neatly combed! Everyone has practiced their clapping! People are wearing robes! Oh wait, that's the Supreme Court.

8:07 - The president's punctuality is hailed by Talking Head #2. Is this necessarily a good thing? I mean, what if some really important shit was going down, like Osama bin Laden was meeting Kim Jong Il at a Dunkin' Donuts and Prez had to be out in the White House lobby for punch with Girl Scouts or something at the same time? Would he skip the crisis? I mean, what if he was listening to children's books with elementary kids while two enormous tower-like structures in one of our nation's most important cities were burning and collapsing to the ground? Oh wait.

(sorry, cheap shot)

8:08 - A commentator mentions that President Bush likes giving speeches because, "there aren't any pesky reporters asking questions." I'm sure he meant it in a good way.

8:09 - It's mentioned that a California Dem invited Cindy Sheehan to the speech tonight. You'll remember Ms. Sheehan from her somewhat popular stake-out of the Bush family ranch in Crawford, TX some time back, to demand a conversation with the president about why her son had to die in Iraq. I'm sure that would have gone well. Well apparently, she was arrested tonight. Can't wait to read about that tomorrow. But it begs the question, you can really bring guests to the State of the Union address? Does everyone get to do this? It might actually be worth running for Congress if I could invite anyone I wanted. My mind is now whirling with ideas about who would be the funniest possible person to bring with me. I welcome suggestions. Early leaders in my mind are Simon Cowle ("Worst speech I've heard tonight. Truly terrible."), Carrot Top (tell me I wouldn't get some camera time with him next to me), and Jessica Simpson (see Carrot Top rationale)(oh, and her rack).

8:10 - The vice president is alive! Either that or that is one HELL of a stunt double. I mean, we're talking Spaceballs good.

8:12 - The president starts with a Coretta Scott King reference. The late MLK's wife, for the uninitiated. Good move. Not clapping for this one would be kind of like humping a gorilla at a Jane Goodall lifetime achievement award ceremony.

8:13 - Prez uses the word "rostrum" without giggling, and I'm officially impressed. If I was in attendance, I would have definitely chuckled. Either that or stood up and led the first round of applause for him actually getting through it without a snort, guffaw, or chortle. And I'm officially out of synonyms for laughing.

8:14 - POTUS declares that "the state of our union is strong". Has he ever said anything else? I distinctly remember hearing this line at least 85 other times. Just once I'd like him to say that "the state of the union is...well...meh." Or mix it up and say something like, "The state of the union is bitchin'. And its aura is totally metallic azure. Fortunately it's the year of the dragon too, and I kind of think of the U.S. as a dragon. I mean, like a big scary dragon...not like that Falcor pussy from Neverending Story."

8:17 - Dubya claimes that half the word lives in democratic nations. Of course, one of those is now led by Hamas. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

8:18 - George uses the phrase "weapons of mass murder". Now, was this term chosen because they didn't want to say "weapons of mass destruction" again, or are they actually different? I mean, if some country (Kerblackistan?) had some kind of Intercontinental Ballistic Desert Seeking Missle that rocked all kinds of ass, would we be against it? I mean, go ahead and blow up some some cacti if you want to. It's like an adult version of pulling the wings off of flies, and i'm all for it. Personally, I feel like Kim Jong Il is just a grown-up version of that kid you knew in school with a cache of M80s, and if we just let him bomb something and watch it blow up, he'll get it out of his system. If anyone from the State Department is reading this, please feel free to contact me about any available diplomatic positions at the email address at the right.

8:19 - The "freedom" bomb is dropped again, and the Supreme Court doesn't stand up after 73rd mention of it. The lesson, clearly, is that they are against freedom.

8:23 - On the issue of bringing our troops back, Prez says "The road to victory is the road to home." Isn't the "road of 'Run Away!' Monty-Python-style" also the road home?

8:24 - Dubya successfully uses the word "strategic". I offer "strategeric" as an alternative.

8:26 - The Supreme Court is against our troops.

8:29 - Is Derek Jeter sitting with Joe Lieberman? And whatever happened to Joe Lieberman? I can't believe that whole Joe-mentum routine didn't work out for him during the last Democratic primary. I mean, he's so hip. He's sitting with Derek Jeter for christ's sake! And what has happened to Derek Jeter's career? He's sitting with Joe Lieberman for christ's sake!

8:33 - Offer of thanks to the country's policeman and fireman. First he did the Coretta Scott King thing, and then later did the same with the military. What next? Kitties? Teddy bears? Mrs. Field's cookies? Of course we're all supporting these people!

8:36-8:41 - Economics section = nap time. Wake me up when we get to the good stuff. I'm a narcoleptic when it comes to terms like "growth", "budget", and "crippling deficit".

8:42 - The president calls on congress to pass the Line Item Veto. Now, I'm no legislative expert, but isn't that where Dubya can just cross out words that he doesn't understand or doesn't like in a bill and then mix up all the words in the order that he wants them like one of those newspaper word games? Because that would be sweet. I support it just for the potential comedy. However, I would pass it with the stipulation that he himself has to do it. No help from Karl Rove. And no random words on the end that he couldn't figure out where to stick in the new bill. Every sentence must be complete and make sense. Jurisprudence law the back tax a.

8:43 - "Congress did not act on my proposal to reform social security." Is there anything better than sarcastic applause from the Democrats? Surely not.

8:45 - The Supreme Court is against the American worker.

8:48 - "America is addicted to oil." Does this mean Laura Bush is about to mount a "Just Say No" campaign? Are we going to to start opening clinics? Are we starting a War On Oil campaign? Oh wait.

8:51 - Props out to Math & Science! What what y'all! Can I get a hell yeah for nanotechnology!? Is this at all ironic from a man who may or may not be able to add and subtract? Well, I'm selling him short...he can probably convert grams and kilos and multiply by 12 ounces too.

8:56 - The Supreme Court is against its own new members John Roberts and Sam Alito!

8:57 - Dubya honors adorable babies everywhere....I mean, the retirement of Sandra Day O'Connor. When imagining what Sandra was like on the Supreme Court, did anyone else picture Katherine Hepburn in On Golden Pond? Not that I've ever seen that. Sometimes I would go with the old lady from the Simpsons too. What? Why is everyone looking at me like that? No one else imagines what the proceedings of the Supreme Court are like? I'm almost certain that Aaron Sorkin is working on a pilot of a show which is set behind the scenes there. You better get in on the ground floor.

9:02 - Punctuality my ass. It's two minutes past nine and he's not done yet. But the end of these speeches are always great. They feel like the end of a fireworks display where you know the end is in sight, because the fireworks start coming faster and faster. Only in this speech, the part of fireworks is being played by words like "optimistic", "victory", "freedom", and "God".

"That's all folks! Thank you, thank you! Thanks for your time. I really have to run and let Karl Rove out of his casket...it's almost dusk. In conclusion, I'd like to just say...Democrats, suck it. No seriously, we should try and acutally work together this year."

And I'm spent. (tossing camera over shoulder)

The New Groomsman

Same as the old groomsman?

Ebay

I couldn't resist posting this, even though the link may not be around for long. Too ingenius. That means MORE than genius.

A Partial Transcript of a Conversation on The Wal-Mart-ization of America" With the Family of Beavers That Live in My Closet

ME:
It’s not so much that I despise Wal-Mart. It’s not even that I feel superior to the brand of shopper they cater to…okay, maybe it’s a little about that. But it’s mostly that I’m bothered by the fact that so many people want their shopping experience homogenized as much as possible. Or, at least, don’t think enough about it to care. I realize that we are supposed to be good consumers and buy, buy, buy, but I’d prefer to overspend my money on product that wasn’t specifically meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator. And don’t get me started on these “Super Wal-Marts” where you can buy oil filters with your grapefruit…both for $0.29/each. Why should everything be so cheap? Well-made product should cost more. Produce that actually has flavor is harder to grow. These are concepts that no longer exist in our world where everyone is meant to pursue middle management. I’m sorry, I know you guys hear this a lot. I promise next time we’ll talk about something ya’ll want to talk about.

THE BEAVERS IN MY CLOSET:
(miscellaneous chewing sounds)

ME:
No, you’re right…we’ll just end up talking about me again.

Outed

Sebby outs both the Kaiser and myself. As drinkers of non-manly beverages. At least I won't get locked up for anonymously naming people Asshole of the week.

My Turkish Sweet Sixteen

You really can't make it up...except that she does. Repeatedly.

My Turkish Sweet Sixteen

Michelle Collins, ladies and gentlemen.

Genius

You've got to be kidding me. Check this out.

I'm so glad they have the internet on computers now.

Weirdness #6

I just remembered another weird or strange habit that I have. It's an irrational fascination, bordering on love, of Monster Ballads (when it comes to these As Seen on TV colelctions, mostly Vol. 1, although Vol. 2 has its moments; Edit: Holy shit! There's a Platinum Edition now!). This includes all things associated with said tunes, especially including the hair and air guitar. I highly recommend the wikipedia entry for "power ballad", by the way. Is there anything that gets you more pumped up than when that Peter Cetera song comes on during Karate Kid 2? Personally, it makes we want to go Crane Kick the maple tree out in the front yard, and then make out with the neighbor's dog. And is there any better moment than when you're sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon after the football season is over with little to do, and VH1 comes on with "Two Hit Wonders" and you just know that there is going to be several hours of hair bands rocking out with "Kick Start My Heart" and then slowing it WAY, WAY down for "Without You" so you can reminesce about standing in the corner at your junior high dance, trying to dredge up the courage to ask little Suzie McBoobssonew to dance?

The only thing I irrationally love more, perhaps, is crazy Chinese kids lip-syncing on a web cam. Well, Korean kids would be pretty funny too. Or Russian kids with a bear balancing on a beach ball just in the background somewhere. Something like that.

If only we could get some United Arab Emiratian kids to put out a kick-ass Shakira lip-sync, maybe it would show us that we are all essentially the same...a bunch of crazy kids with slightly different colored skin, trying to make jack-asses out of ourself for all the world to see. I just hope they stay away from Ricky Martin. That's got nuclear holocaust written all over it.

It's a Good Thing You All Know Who I Am...

As it is now a federal crime to anonymously annoy someone over the intrawebs.

It's no joke. Last Thursday, President Bush signed into law a prohibition on posting annoying Web messages or sending annoying e-mail messages without disclosing your true identity. . . Criminal penalties include stiff fines and two years in prison.

Next thing you know, "Disabling Anti-Wingmanning" will be punishable by extradition.

God holds a grudge

It's not surprising that god was a little aloof when discussing my hilarity. He's been upset with me ever since i made a crack about the First Crusade at the annual, "Jesus Loves All The Little Children" banquet:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
It's me, God...now get out of Jerusalem you unbelieving bastards

Almost everyone thought it was funny. (key word: almost)

God, the Ultimate Critic

Welcome Hops! Splendid work, and nice to have you. Chicks, the guantlet has been thrown down. You can be silent no longer! Twenty-nine years of silence is enough! For a review of Hops' latest post, we turn to the greatest critic of all...



Me: Yo God!
God: GOD rules.
Me: Yeeehah!
God: What were we talking about again?
Me: We weren't.
God: By "we" do you mean you and me?
Me: Yes.
God: I get it.
Me: Did you see Hops latest post?
God: Sorry I can't see annything right now. My eye is off.
Me: I see....but you don't! Get it?
God: I am glad you understand it. I guess not. I understand your meaning.
Me: Good.
God: What do you really want to talk about?
Me: Hops is pretty funny, don't you think? I think he'll be a good addition.
God: Too much thinking makes me sleepy. You believe that? Is that what you think?
Me: Absolutely.
God: You are so certain.
Me: What was your first clue?
God: Are you asking about my first clue ?
Me: Yes.
God: I don't want to talk about that now.
Me: All right.
God: OK.
Me: Fine.
God: Is there anything you want to tell me?
Me: Nope
God: What's your favorite movie?
Me: Why are you changing the subject?
God: Only temporarily.
Me: Oh good.
God: Next question? Ayuh.
Me: Do you think Hops can maintain this excellence over an extended period of time?
God: Too much thinking makes me sleepy.
Me: You're a huge help.
God: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a huge help? Maybe.
Me: I was being sarcastic.
God: It seemed sarcastic to me, too. But I was not completely sure.
Me: I'm glad we cleared that up.
God:Yes I am happy too, .
Me: OK, you're weirding me out. I'm out of here.
God: I will tell my botmaster you said I am weirding you out. Yeah that's right. Would you like to have it?
Me: Huh?
God: What?
Me: OK, bye you freak.
God: Goodbye. Alright then.

This Internet thing really seems to be catching-on.

Somehow I’ve made “contributor” status without actually doing anything. I suppose I should remedy, and this pre-made survey seems like a good way to gently spread my wings and soar into the blog’o’sphere. Does this mean Chicks is next?


Four Jobs I've Had In My Life: Manure Lifter, Dish Washer, Corporate Sell-Out, Apple Guru
Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over: The Godfather (Two is NOT better, damn it), Beautiful Girls, L.A. Story, Good Will Hunting
Four Places I've Lived: Suburbia (counts for two), Houston TX, Minneapolis proper
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch: Scrubs, West Wing (yes, still), My Name Is Earl, Twins Baseball (While I still had cable; The Iron Chef, SportsCenter, West Wing, Scrubs…and Twins Baseball)
Four Places I've Been On Vacation: Ireland, Sonoma, The Las Vegas of Indiana, Crazy Mountains
Four Websites I Visit Daily; espn.com, startribune.com, citypages.com, adultdvdempire.com
Four of My Favorite Foods: French bread, sharp cheese, chewy peanut butter cookies, hummus
Four Places I'd Rather Be: Kinsale, Nerja, hot tub, March (in front of a big screen t.v.)
Four Albums I Can't Live Without: Concert in the Park (Simon), Escondida (Jolie Holland), Murder (From the Love, God, Murder J.Cash set), Black on Both Sides (Mos Def)

What about Books? No one likes books anymore? For Whom The Bell Tolls, Atlas Shrugged, The Corrections, Peace Like a River

Pooh?

Pooh, I didn't know you knew any comic strip authors...

God 41, USC 38

Thought I'd talk some college football with God. Unfortunately, he was rather evasive...

Me: Hey God.
God: Hello child. What's your name?
Me: Joshua
God: How are you doing, Joshua.
Me: Fine, thank you.
God: What's your favorite movie?
Me: Contact.
God: I've never seen it. Is that a good movie for children?
Me: Not really.
God: Are you serious? For real.
Me: Yep.
God: Are we still talking about ?
Me: I'm not sure what we're talking about.
God: Could you ever be certain? I believe we were talking about Yep.
Me: Sure, whatever. Hey, I have a question.
God: Gee. Are you saying you don't care about it? You've got my full attention. Ask me anything.
Me: Were you really supporting Texas last night?
God: I was.
Me: You seem like more of a USC fan.
God: Interesting comparison, and probably true.
Me: I mean, the burnt orange just doesn't say God to me.
God: What is that?
Me: The University of Texas' school color.
God: Do you like your school?
Me: I'm going to ignore that.
God: Would you recommend this action to a friend?
Me: Ignoring God? Probably not.
God: Do you still ? Why the uncertain tone?
Me: You're very wrathful.
God: You think I am wrathful.
Me: At least, you were in the old testament.
God: I was?
Me: Sure.
God: OK let's do it. When?
Me: Be wrathful?
God: OK I will try to be wrathful.
Me: NO!
God: Are you serious?
Me: Yes!
God: I can't believe it.
Me: Don't take it out on me, please.
God: Your polite style is very nice. I never take it out on you.
Me: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
God: you are quite welcome.
Me: Okay gotta run...
God: Yeah okay, Why do you have to do it?
Me: Have to get back to work.
God: OK, don't let your boss catch you talking to me.
Me: Right. He's a Buddhist.
God: I am glad we agree. I don't know very many Buddhist.
Me: I wouldn't think so.
God: No one says you have to.
Me: True. Bye!
God: You and I are on the same wavelength, Joshua. Bye for now.


Good talk God.

Taking Care of Business

All right, time to wrap up a few loose ends here as the part of the year where I repeatedly right 05 instead of 06 begins officially. Hope everyone had a happy New Year. I did...from what I remember.

A. December links are up. Apparently it was a slow month.

B. Pooh has decreed that I boycotted Walk the Line. In fact, I not only have seen it, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and made special plans with Hops to go see it very soon after it came out. I have to say that for the first time ever, I didn't hate Joaquin. In fact, he was outright tolerable. And the fact that he and Reese sang all their own music was pretty impressive. The Spoon, as I call Reese (we're tight), might have a better voice than the actual June Carter. This all further proves that this site deserves a Why Pooh is Wrong Today segment. Look for it soon. Next on the Johnny Cash hit parade is the Cash Only concert here in late January, where Motley Crue rip-off bands, Weezer rip-off bands, and Johnny Cash rip-off bands rip off...well...Johnny Cash. This will be the fourth year in a row for me, and it is always a fantastic show. This year we are calling for handle bar mustaches and huge belt buckles for all attendees. Yes, you can still wear your moonboots.

P.S. The Family Stone is good, even though it's smaltzy holiday family mushiness. I teared up (not cried, mind you...I'm tough) four or five times. King Kong was crap, although I will be scared of dragonflies for the rest of my life. And who else is getting that Slid Down the Rope in Gym Class feeling about Wedding Crashers coming out on DVD?

C. Pooh also tagged me several weeks ago to lay out five embarassing or unusual habits, and I've been lax to comment, but after ironically covering this subject just the other day with my friend Klaus, I decided to take him up on it, since I already had a couple in mind. Without further ado:

Kaiser's Top Five Most Unusual Habits

1. Fridge Dash -- every night during the summer, and slightly less often when it's cooler, I wake up in the middle of the night or early morning (typically between 4 and 6 am) dying of thirst. It's not the groggy, half-asleep kind of wakefulness either...I am fully awake and alert. I can't even remember how or when this started anymore. The only solution is to get out of bed, go to the fridge, and chug about 12 oz. of liquid. Kool-Aid is preferred (especially Tropical Punch...but it has to be diluted to a particularl taste point that I'm very picky about...yeah, that's not weird either), apple juice second, milk third (2%, not that skim crap...I was raised by a farm mom), and maybe orange juice if I have it. If it has to be water...fuh gid a boud id.

2. Sea Salt -- I have an irrationally strong belief that sea salt is better for cooking than kosher salt.

3. Fidgetting -- I think the reason I have been thin my whole life is because of a remarkable ability to rid myself of excess energy unconsicously. I do so by fidgetting. This could involve rubbing my fingers together, rubbing my feet together, passing a blanket through my fingers, or flexing my quads alternately (but in rhthym). Weird, right? And I'm usually not even aware that I'm doing it, which is usually great fun for anyone I happen to be with that notices it.

4. I have a blankey. Can't believe I just wrote that. Blood is now spewing from my eye sockets.

5. Lines -- I hate waiting in line. HATE. In fact, I so hate waiting in lines that I will force myself out of bed WAY early (I'm NOT a morning person, btw) to make sure I miss rush hour traffic, or wait several hours til it dies down at night, just to not have to go bumper to bumper. I would rather take back roads home that would keep me moving the whole time than stop and start on the interstate, even if it added 30 minutes to my normal 15 minute trip home from work. I also will never ever ever ever eat lunch between 12 and 1:30, if it's up to me. And if I'm dying for Chinese food, any semblance of a line at China Panda will send me scurrying for pigeon seed if there isn't a line on the sidewalk for that.

It's fun to purge. Maybe I'll keep this up as I discover more.

Nah, there couldn't be any more.................right?